The Mom Weekly Volume 68: November 26, 2024
You can read this, or any other previous Mom Weeklies, by going to the home page here.
Notes
I came across this “from the vault” when I was looking around on my old blog. And I remember so vividly writing it, and even more vividly how I kept it, all these years, as a “draft” and never publishing it. That’s because at the time, it didn’t seem quite “good enough” and that it seemed too intimate and tender to share at that time.
When I read it now, 16 years later, I am in awe of my ability to write such long and (frankly) really good pieces, when I had so much going on. And it makes me want to commit to writing more about what I’m feeling and experiencing as life is happening.
I imagine that 2038 me will be so glad that 2024 me took the time to do this. That is, in the same way that 2024 me (right now!) is looking back and so grateful for 2008 me. And also, I’m giving 2008 me a big hug and saying, “Trust me, it’s good enough. It’s better than good enough. Keep going.”
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
Thank God Ahead of Time (From the Vault, November 2008)
I consider myself a thankful person in general, but I didn’t start that way on Thanksgiving Day. When Sir and I were first married—we joked about it even at the time—I once said during a disagreement, ” You know what the problem is? You’re not exactly like me.”
So I’ve left off saying that, and laugh about the young married me who said that, because of course that would be not be the problem. But I have to confess, and Sir knows, that I still have some days like that, wishing we felt exactly the same way about something or had the same ideas about….fill in the blank.
Thanksgiving morning was one of “those mornings,” even though I got to Mass, and I have to say again I was pretty grumbly. I now look back and see I was upset about my mom’s decline that I had been hearing about from two states away. I know my mom would want me to stay with my family, and I thought I was doing the right thing by staying at home.
So when my brother called around dinner time Thanksgiving Day, after having spent the day with my parents, he talked about how mom was weak but stable and doing okay, I just wanted to be there. I talked with Sir about my mom’s state, and he asked if I wanted to go out. I said, “Well, I know my mom and dad would both say, ‘stay at home,’ so I don’t need to go for them.”
And he, not me but absolutely wonderful in his kindness toward me, said something like, “What do you want to do for you?” And I realized immediately, I want to be there. Talking with him, and having him be supportive of it (which he had actually done a few days before as well) makes me so grateful for him. Of course not at the moment, because I was still grumbly, but I knew in my heart and said to myself, “I’m so glad he’s not exactly like me.”
So I threw some clothes in a bag and gave him the keys to the minivan and left at 8 p.m. in his car. I am not a nighttime driver, but I was able to stay awake for the entire drive.
When I got to the freeway about 20 minutes from our house, I started to get very emotional and felt it was probably pointless because I would not make it 400 miles in time before she died, so I started praying Divine Mercy Chaplet in song, which I have loaded on my iPod. (I have since learned from a friend that apparently it is good to say the Divine Mercy Chaplet with a dying person). As I started the chaplet, I was praying as I that I could make it in time to say goodbye to my mom. Sir had mentioned to me as I left that if I could get there in time, to speak to mom, as hearing is often the last faculty to leave. I imagined what I might say; I don’t really need to say goodbyes; there was nothing left unsaid. I think I just wanted more presence.
But by the time I got to the end of the first full chaplet, I was at peace. I didn’t want my mom to linger or suffer anymore. I felt united with her in prayer and knew that the Lord would be with her. I didn’t “have to” get there. So when my brother called a few hours later—I was not yet halfway there—that mom’s breathing had changed. He was heading down the 45 minutes to her, it was okay. I was on the phone with various sisters along the drive, and staying awake.
My brother arrived around midnight, and prayed, out loud, the sorrowful mysteries at Mom’s bedside. And a minute or two after he finished, she stopped breathing. It was very peaceful. What a beautiful sending forth.
I arrived about two hours later and was so grateful to be there and stay most of the weekend, helping begin the arrangements.
At the last minute I had put in my bag this Father Solanus Casey biography. Re-reading parts of it in the days after my mom’s death was very fruitful.
Apparently one of Father Solanus’ favorite sayings was “Thank God Ahead of Time.” A few months ago, a priest suggested I read about this remarkable man and his capacity for gratitude. And now I wish I were more a person who could thank God ahead of time, instead of realizing much, much later, how much my life, indeed, everyone’s life, is filled with grace.
The author, Catherine Odell, writes of Father Solanus’ homily at the funeral of one of his brothers, also a priest: “He spoke of death as a humiliating but purifying gateway to eternal life. Death, he told the congregation, ‘is the last of the blessings God showers upon our earthly journey toward home.’ It was his favorite theme — gratitude to God for whatever he gives us.”
The back of the book has a helpful section of “Words of Wisdom” quoting Father Solanus. This quote on death: “Death is the climax of all humiliation, when we must finally give up all and turn all over to God. Death can be very beautiful—like a wedding—if we make it so.”
And on gratitude:
“Gratitude is the first sign of a thinking, rational creature. Be sure, if the enemy of our souls in pleased at anything in us, it is ingratitude of whatever kind. Why? Ingratitude leads to so many breaks with God and our neighbor.”
There have been so many graces and help and love from people in the days following Mom’s death. I am acutely aware now, much after Thanksgiving—I started this days ago, but am writing this the night before her funeral—that I am grateful for everything. The life of my mom, her peaceful death, growing up in my terrific family, for my own terrific family, and a husband I am amazingly grateful is not “exactly like me.” And I resolve I want to be the kind of person who thanks God ahead of time.
This is surely for me, and also for the members of my family, a time of grace and a time of peace, as Advent is meant to be. May it continue to be so for all of us.
Interesting/Notable
Why I Didn’t Leave the Catholic Church—Claire Swinarski, Letters from a Catholic Feminist
Our temptation is to turn God into a being that hates what we hate and loves what we love, whose main concern is our day-to-day contentedness.
I don’t believe in that God. I’ve never known him. The God I believe in is sitting in this shit with me, staring up at the stars.
An Action Item: Consider Joining Rakuten (if you have not yet)
This is also Mom’s Occasional Money Advice: whenever you’re about to sign up for a service or get something, find out if there’s a referral link you can use to help a friend or family member. Case in point:
Less than a year ago, I heard something (for the millionth time) about Rakuten, the free online shopping portal/app/browser extension to get rebates for online shopping. Surprisingly, I had never joined, even when it was Ebates. I think I had been using the Honey extension on my browser, but while it helped with coupon codes, I wasn’t getting many rebates.
Anyway, I thought, it’s probably time to sign up. And before I did, I stopped and thought, I wonder if anyone has a referral link? So I texted the family, and one of my kids had a referral offer that gave us each $30 for me signing up.
Now that I’ve been using it for awhile, I’m kind of impressed at how easy it is to get some decent rebates. t’s not life-changing money, but it’s not “nothing,” and it’s worth doing, in my opinion. For instance, I had to make a Shutterfly purchase the other day to keep my account current, and I see I got $5.32 back. I ordered glasses from Eyebuydirect last week, and got $31.60 back (that was because of an increased offer, which I don’t remember now—occasionally Rakuten will give you a higher percentage back, like 20 percent, on a purchase).
Right now, Rakuten has a $40 signup bonus. That means just for signing up, the new member gets $40, and your “referrer” (me, if you’d like) also gets $40. Not bad! This referral link (click here) is good until December 8.
I think everyone who uses Rakuten has the $40 offer, so if you have a family member who uses Rakuten, feel free to ask them for theirs, to keep the $ in the family.
Final Rakuten hack: when I first signed up, I got “double” points back that week. I think that is still the offer, but just know when you do sign up that clock starts. I wish I had known about it ahead of time to plan for some purchases, but I was able to take advantage of it a little bit with an online purchase at Sam’s Club and I think order some shoes.
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
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