I truly love these “from the vault” so much, and I’m so grateful to myself for writing back when you kids were young. Please consider this when you have a family, or even right now—being able to remember what you were thinking is such a gift!
I can sometimes read “between the lines” in something I might have really been thinking, even if I didn’t write it. For instance, in the recent “you have a very lively family,” I remember that Dad actually used an impolite word (rhymes with “dastard”) instead of “guy” in the sentence “Poor guy.” And I remember not wanting to put a swear word in the blog post all those years ago, and even in the “from the vault” version, I preserved the “poor guy” because it made me smile to remember that detail.
It’s just before the 21st birthday of “Max,” and I was looking through my old blog to see if I had a birthday post. Oddly, I don’t, but I did find a video of him “reading” Chickens to the Rescue which is absolute perfection.
But I had a doula when I was pregnant with Max, and she wrote a letter to him after his birth. She sent that letter to me several weeks after he was born. I thought I would dig it out and share it as a birthday “from the vault.” And wow, do I wish I had had a doula for all of you kids, and that I had a letter like this for each of your births.
Since much of the letter is personal to me and to my labor, I’m not going to share all those details, nor the names. But I will share some of the parts that actually made me laugh out loud—me talking so much! So very “on brand,” Hahahahaha.
One thing that’s missing from the letter is something Dad “remembers” from when Max was born, but I continue to maintain I did not say, and I believe is a “misremember.” That’s because it doesn’t seem characteristic of me or my thinking, now or then. (And no, it wasn’t “I hate you, why did you do this to me!” As supposedly some women say during labor, and I never did).
And even though the “remembered” line was a very funny and self-deprecating statement, my doula didn’t put it in this letter (and believe me, she put in the cute lines and all the talking!). That gives me a strong case to make that my view may be right, and that it was “misremembered”. Kind of like the “memory” one of you has about another family buying you kids your first Keen shoes at Payless Shoe Source.
Remember, on your birthdays and every day—every single day! — how much I love you,
Mom
From the Vault: “I Liked You Right Away!” (April 2003)
Dear “Max,”
I write today with a glad heart at remembering your birth. My work is very fulfilling to me, particularly when I am blessed with parents such as yours to work with. I got to know your Dad a bit before your birth, and your Mom even better as we worked together in some massage sessions. I would spent some time in the sessions with my hands on her belly, saying hello to you. I liked you right away!
So I will tell you what I remember from your Birth Day. I hope someday you find this interesting and useful.
4 a.m. (day of birth) I was awakened with a phone call. Mom’s water had broken and not just a trickle. We talked and decided to talk again after she spoke with (midwife who delivered Max). Water breaking meant that we would be heading into the hospital, regardless of labor beginning.
(Hospital arrival and medical details)
7:30 a.m. It was decided that Mom would try to sleep if she could, as contractions were not that strong. I went home to get my digital camera (that I forgot!) and have breakfast with my family. (Nurse) came on as Mom’s nurse (joy!) as she had been nurse at both of your sisters’ births too.
…
2:00 p.m. Progress! Mom very encouraged… great breathing, and of course, talking! (Wink emoji). I loved Mom’s energy and talking between contractions …a wonderful rhythm. She was so helpful in describing what would help her. That is always wonderful when I can give exactly what a Mom needs most, because she can tell me!! Good for you Mom!
….
4:30 p.m. I was checking in with Mom to see how she was feeling and she said, “I feel like I am 40 now and I can’t handle it!) “(Oh Mom! I think you are progressing!) Labor intensifies.….
….
4:50 p.m. Happy looks were being exchanged knowing that transition was ending and pushing would soon begin. I stay close to Mom, with Dad right at her side, her head cradled in his arms.
5:09 p.m. You are born! Apgars 9 and 9 (good baby!). Placenta delivered shortly after. You had the cord wrapped once around your neck and it was gently lifted while your shoulders wriggled free. (Midwife) had a medical student assisting in the delivery and this was the student’s 1st birth, a great gift that I believe touched her very much.
…
Now I must admit that I snapped a picture of your beautiful face right after you opened your eyes for the first time. How rude of me! I intended to apologize to you when I see you next!
My heartfelt thoughts for a good life,
P.S. I hear your sisters will be pleased you are a boy. They need someone to play “Steve the Crocodile Hunter” with!!
This was such a thoughtful discussion about environmentalism, simple living, and Christianity. It’s quite long, and I’ve not finished the listen yet, but there is so much good philosophical content here!
An action item: Unsubscribe to 10 or more (email) mailing lists
I can’t be the only one who often subscribes to way too many newsletters?
Whether it is stores, Substack newsletters, or more, my default tends to be “subscribe.” It’s a good idea to pare back every so often, but here’s an easy action item for this week: unsubscribe to 10 of them.
Maybe you don’t have 10 that you can unsubscribe from, but I bet you have a few. Set your timer for 5 minutes and see what you can do!
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
Quick request: I’m going to be writing an upcoming “money advice” newsletter on credit scores. This is based on a conversation I had recently with a younger relative about what goes into a credit score. If you have any questions about credit scores, you can hit “reply” to this email and I will incorporate it into what I write.
Also, remember how much I enjoy getting to answer money-related questions, so feel free to ask me anytime!
Today’s post is a slightly updated version of what I wrote for my personal finance website. The information is solid, and I’m happy I wrote it back then. Yay, 2021 Mom, for writing about this already!
The tl;dr is: keep things simple.
Remember above all that insurance is insurance. Insurance is not investing, funding your retirement, or anything else. Don’t mix it up!
Also? Long term, you don’t want your family’s finances to hinge upon someone not being alive. Life insurance is just for the years when it would be catastrophic to lose a spouse; in that case, life insurance protects your family.
Ideally, you would design your financial life so that your family does not need life insurance as soon as possible (i.e., save aggressively for non-working times, such as retirement.)
At some point, you will be glad that, even if you do still have term life insurance, your family no longer needs it.
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
The Purpose of Life Insurance (Mom’s Occasional Money Advice)
Should you get life insurance? If so, how much? What kind? How do you shop for life insurance?
Insurance—What it is
Insurance is a product that you buy—typically offered by a company—that pays you for things that are damaged, destroyed, or for events that occur.
You can insure just about everything: from your life, your home, your auto, your mobile phone, and even small things like a keyboard, a small appliance, and more.
When does (and doesn’t) it make the most sense to have insurance?
It makes the most sense to have insurance when you cannot easily replace or pay for. And not to insure things that are (relatively) easy to replace.
Here’s an example:
A couple of years ago, I purchased a $47 plug-in radiator/heater to use in a room that is colder than the rest of our house. (By the way, it works really well, and it makes no sound, as do air heaters. I highly recommend). When I purchased it at Wal-Mart, I was offered a $5 two-year “protection plan” to replace the item. That protection plan is insurance.
But that kind of insurance is not a good idea. Why? Well, for one, $5 is more than 10 percent of the purchase price of the item. If the item would fail within a year or two, I would likely contact the manufacturer, or I could easily replace the item. If I had the insurance, I would likely have to prove it somehow, and go through a lot of hoops to prove that the item failed, etc.
When is it a good idea to have insurance?
Let’s look at home insurance. Because a consumer cannot easily replace a house or its contents if there were a fire, a tornado, or some other loss, insurance is a good idea.
There is no cash value to the insurance, and you only have it when you have a need. People who do not own houses do not need home insurance. People who do not own cars do not need auto insurance.
If you sell your house and do not buy another, you could say that you have “lost” all that insurance money paid over the years. But we do not say that, and we do not consider it a “loss,” as the peace of mind knowing if something should happen was worth it.
You buy insurance for things that you cannot easily replace or for catastrophic events (such as death).
So, for example, if you own a home, you have homeowner’s insurance. For one, most mortgage providers require it. But even if your mortgage is paid off, you likely still have home insurance, because replacing a home and its contents would be prohibitively expensive for most people.
Auto insurance is for people how have vehicles, so the vehicle can be repaired or replaced if the driver gets into an accident. Auto insurance can also pay for medical bills stemming from accidents and cover you if you get into an accident with an uninsured driver.
What Does it Mean to Self-Insure?
Let’s go back to my plug-in radiator. Instead of purchasing insurance (the protection plan) for it, I “self insure” for the item. If the radiator failed, I could replace it or do without it. Neither would affect my finances or life greatly. Therefore, I do not need insurance.
This is not true for something like home or auto insurance. Even if state laws or mortgages did not require owners to carry home or auto insurance, it would still be a good idea.
A good rule of thumb: if the protection plan or extended warranty for an item is 5-10 percent or more of the purchase price, it’s not a great idea.
Who Needs Life Insurance
Figure out first if you need life insurance, and then shop around for the right kind for you—typically term life insurance.
The main group of people who need life insurance: Those who rely on their presence and/or income. So, for instance, a married couple with a child or children would want to consider insurance for both spouses.
And even if only one spouse works outside the home, both parents need life insurance.
Consider carefully if your situation requires life insurance, and if you do not need it, you do not have to purchase it.
Who Does Not Need Life Insurance
Who does not need life insurance?
*Those who are too young.
*Children. When the kids were little, it was common to get tons of offers in the mail for children’s life insurance. This may have gone online, but I hope the practice has disappeared!
Kids do not need life insurance. No one depends on their income.
*Those who do not have dependents.
You also do not need life insurance if you have no dependents. If you are a young professional, not married, and on your own, you do not need life insurance.
*Those who can self-insure.
If you are financially independent, you do not need life insurance. Even those without a huge “fortune” can still “self-insure.”
Kinds of Life Insurance
There are two major categories of life insurance:
Permanent Life Insurance
Term Life Insurance
What is permanent life insurance?
Permanent life insurance—often called “whole life insurance”–is like it sounds—it lasts a person’s whole life, meaning it has a cash value. It is basically a forced saving account for a death benefit. (And yes, since this is “mixing” saving and insuring, something I don’t like!)
Whole life insurance is typically much more expensive than term life insurance. It can be up to 10 times the price of a term life policy.
Whole life policies are often complicated. They can include penalties for leaving the policy early, rules for borrowing money from the policy, and more.
There is a place for whole life insurance, such as high net worth individuals or specific business circumstances. But term life insurance is a better choice for most people.
Advantages of whole life insurance
*it has cash value.
*if premiums are paid, the plan lasts for the life of the insured.
Disadvantages of whole life insurance
*very expensive—perhaps 10x as much in premiums as term life insurance.
*complicated in plan options (loans, death benefits, investments within the life)
*can have high fees and commissions that go to the insurance seller, unlike term life insurance.
I don’t think I can emphasize enough how complications and confusions of whole life/permanent life insurance make it unsuitable but just about everyone. But I don’t have to, because others have written about it, notably The White Coat Investor, Dr. Jim Dahle. (This is a solid source of information for “doctors and other high-income professionals”)
If you go to the comments section (get out your popcorn, as one of the commenters said), you’ll see various whole life defenders (those who sell it and “others,” supposedly) make the (confusing) case for it. The White Coat Investor says this in one of the comments when someone talks about removing a non factual comment:
“Why would I remove it? It’s Exhibit A of what this post is talking about. I mean, sure, it’s highly likely to eventually go ad hominem, but those who sell whole life insurance inappropriately and I already have a long standing hatred of each other. They’ve cost doctors millions (billions?) and I’ve cost them millions (billions?) We’re not going to come to terms any time soon.”
Especially for people who are high earners, financial salespeople of various kinds will try to sell whole life insurance. But it’s almost always best to resist.
What is term life insurance?
Term life insurance is life insurance that lasts only as long as its term—typically 20 years and up. This is the type of policy recommended for almost all people who need or desire life insurance.
Term life insurance has no cash value. It covers only the term that you have paid out. So, for instance, someone might take out a 25-year term life insurance policy. As long as the insured continues to pay the monthly premiums, usually a fixed amount, the person maintains coverage for that time. After it is over, the person would need to take out another policy, or at that point be “self-insured.”
Advantages of term life insurance
*relatively inexpensive
*simple concept and operation
*typically, premium and benefit stays the same for the policy term
Disadvantages of term life insurance
*death benefit only lasts for the term (or length of policy)
He explains a concept called “laddering” term life insurance policies to make sure you are covered for a long enough time. He also describes why when you “research” life insurance, you will notice you get a lot of results showing that (not great) information about whole life insurance policies, because there’s more money in that.
How much life insurance?
The amount of life insurance you should get is very personal. Having a policy that you can comfortably afford is a priority, but so is the right amount of coverage for you.
One rule of thumb is to insure for 10 times your annual salary. So, for instance, if you make $50,000 a year, consider pricing $500,000 in life insurance. If you have children, some experts recommend that you increase that amount, but much depends on your comfort with paying a small amount of money for the term life insurance coverage.
Another, more generous calculation of life insurance amount tracks the benefit with 10x total household income. So, for instance, a couple with children, and a combined income of $75,000 could consider insuring each spouse for $750,000. This would provide extra coverage, and it is not a bad idea if it is easily affordable for you.
Key takeaways:
*Determine whether or not you are a good candidate for life insurance. If you are not because you either do not have a need, or can “self-insure,” consider not pursuing life insurance.
*If you need life insurance, contemplate how much you should look for. Consider 10x annual household income as a start. And both spouses should be covered, even if one has a lower income or no income.
*Check to see if your employer offers life insurance as a benefit. Some employers do, and this can be a good way to get covered for free. Some employers will let you add on more coverage, or add on a spouse, to the coverage.
Term insurance is the best choice for most people. It is the simplest and least expensive form of insurance to have, especially if you are relatively young.
[Note: even people with employer-sponsored life insurance may want to consider some term life insurance, since you cannot take employer insurance with you if you leave your job. Locking in a term insurance rate could be helpful for you. ]
What’s the best amount of life insurance? It’s personal, but start with 10x household income and adjust to your situation or budget. Both spouses should be fully covered, even a spouse earning a lower income or not earning income.
If you do get a term life insurance policy, plan to save enough in retirement accounts and elsewhere so that when the term of the term life insurance policy is up, you no longer need life insurance. That should be the goal.
If your children are grown and you are retired, you likely do not need life insurance, and since you are older, the premiums on any policy would likely be prohibitive. Are you comfortable with what you have? Do you have enough income (Social Security, pension, and savings, etc.) to cover your expenses? Have you made a plan and set aside money for your funeral expenses (at minimum)? You do not need life insurance.
You’ve probably already seen this special offers, but it’s fun to see.
An Action Item: Sign up for USPS Informed Delivery
I hope you have finished your taxes, because this week’s action item is something I’ve been encouraging (coercing) family members to sign up for it. Informed Delivery is a free service offered by the US Postal Service (USPS) to send you an email every day with photos of every piece of mail you will receive.
It is super handy, especially for those who might not receive much mail, or who have to retrieve it from a mailroom. I appreciate seeing the emails even when we are on vacation, so I know what to expect when we return and all that mail is delivered. (Interestingly, you still get emails, even when you have a vacation hold on your mail).
It is a relatively quick and easy sign-up.
If you don’t have a USPS account, you’ll need to create one. If you’re eligible for Informed Delivery (maybe kids at college might not be?), you sign up, and then I think in most cases you have to wait to receive a USPS letter in the mail. That letter, which usually arrives within a week or so, will include a code that you enter back at USPS.com, and then you’ll start getting the emails.
That’s it!
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? Remember that this weekend is the Triduum, so Good Friday is a day of fast and abstinence. If you’re free Holy Thursday evening, you could make a visit to a church. And Easter is Sunday, yay!
I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
This is such a great feast day that I love to celebrate each year. This is mostly because of all the Josephs in our family (both Grandpas, Dad, and of course J3). He’s a wonderful saint and a great patron of so many things: families, fathers, travelers, house sellers and buyers, workers, and so many more!
I’ve had a tradition of making Savoiardi, which are Italian ladyfinger cookies. Because of that, I have perfected the fairly simple recipe, and here it is:
Savoiardi from a couple of years ago.
Savoiardi (Lady Fingers) for St. Joseph’s Day
4 eggs 1 cup sugar 1 Tablespoon almond extract
Beat sugar and eggs until thoroughly blended and cream-colored.
In a separate bowl, mix dry ingredients:
2 cups sifted flour 2 teaspoons baking powder pinch of salt
Stir dry ingredients slowly into egg mixture. Beat with an electric mixer under a smooth, creamy consistency is reached.
Drop batter by spoonfuls (I use a medium size cookie scoop) onto parchment-lined baking sheets, shaping it about 3 inches long and 1 inch wide.
Bake at 350 degrees for approximately 10 minutes or until light golden brown.
My not-love for Italian sweets
The funny thing is that even with my great sweet tooth (that I inherited from Grandpa Joseph), I’ve never been one to like Italian baked sweets of any kind, including Savoiardi. Sometimes I feel a bit disloyal to my Italian heritage, but I can’t deny it. And now that I’m sensitive to almond ingredients, I don’t even have to sample one of these cookies!
We have never had a “St. Joseph’s Table,” but this article is quite detailed about all the symbolism of the arrangement and different ingredients. I don’t necessarily want to have one, but it’s interesting!
An Action Item: Keep working on your taxes
I’m going to include this almost every time as an action item because I need the accountability to finish our taxes, and I am going to strongly encourage you to complete yours this week! You’ll be so glad that you did.
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
Practice Being Mean (or: Remember that “No” Is a Complete Sentence)
I don’t mean being “mean” in the sense of being rude, but we would all benefit from having good healthy “no” muscles. Let me explain.
Years ago, I read about the idea of having a “policy” about certain things, so that you can avoid having to make a decision “on the fly,” and can also make it easier for you to say no. I have found this to be a really great life practice, for lots of reasons.
“I don’t fill out surveys.”
Here’s just one example: I instituted a policy of “I don’t fill out surveys.”
Many times, after a purchase; a health care appointment; a restaurant visit, etc., I get emails, texts, and snail mail, or some combination, asking me to rate my service.
In the past, I have sometimes done them, sometimes not, but it’s always been “hanging over me” as I see the letter or email there asking. So now I have a policy of not doing surveys. I delete the emails and texts with impunity. I throw away the survey mail.
Obviously, I can make exceptions to the policy. If I have a truly great or really terrible experience, I can convey that through a survey. But most often, I could convey that more effectively by reaching out to a manager or other supervisor. This is especially true in the sense of a great experience—I’d like to tell the manager of a restaurant as I’m leaving that the waitstaff was especially great.
“I don’t donate to grocery-store-type fundraisers or petition drives.”
Here’s another example: I virtually never donate to fundraising in non-fundraising situations, and I almost never sign petitions when asked randomly for it.
The grocery checkout is a great example of this. Do you want to “round up” your order to support charity? No.
If a person offers me the opportunity to donate to a cause or to sign a petition (as happened to me at REI and on the street the other day, respectively), I decline with a pleasant “No, thank you!”
For charity donations, I say, “We prefer to give privately.” But there’s really no need for that. I should probably take my own advice practice “no” or “no, thank you” as a complete sentence.
And you know what? It’s a little uncomfortable—still—even though I’ve had this official “policy” for a number of years. It seems socially “good” to say yes to someone asking you for something, especially when it has very little “cost” to you. To be able to sit with that discomfort and be okay (as you will be) is very empowering.
There are two important reasons for doing this:
The less important reason: intentionality.
If you really wanted to donate to a cause that you’re being asked to in the grocery line, you really should do so intentionally, and probably giving more than a dollar or change.
So, for instance, just the other day HyVee checkout asked to round up for the local food bank. But I know that Midwest Food Bank is a really well run organization, and Sophia’s Kitchen has been a great community organization. I may or may not know the charity at the checkout.
And regarding a petition” If you really want to sign it, you can research whether it’s a good idea, and sign it online later. Nothing will be lost. This is not your only chance to do the “good thing” that someone is asking you to do.
The MUCH MORE IMPORTANT REASON: a chance to practice “no” and sit with that discomfort.
People who are kind people—like all of the readers of The Mom Weekly—need more practice in this than most. That’s because we want to be kind. We want to make people happy, especially if it’s something that seems (and perhaps is) socially good, like rounding up our change.
But you can still be kind, and say “no.” By doing so, you work out those “saying no” muscles when it’s low stakes. Then, you may be more equipped to say “no” when you’re in a trickier or “higher stakes” situation.
The opposite is also true, but less important, in my opinion. You can have a policy of saying “yes.” So, like me, you can often support GoFundMe or other fundraisers for people you know personally, or that are vetted by someone you know personally. You can have a policy of being a “big tipper” in certain situations or at certain times of year.
Do you have a “policy” regarding anything that happens often in your life? Give it a try!
A new Catholic community of sisters is formed to “a mission of listening, healing outreach, spiritual reparation, and solidarity with people who are despairing, doubting, and hopeless, people on the fringes or outside of the Church, especially those people who have been wounded, scandalized, or abused by members of the Church.”
An Action Item: Develop and Implement One New “Saying No” Policy
I think this is a great “action item”—think about one thing that you can easily say no to, that will help you practice saying “no.” Bonus points if you share your intention with a family member or friend!
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four Fs to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
Of course, this exercise is moot for the girls in the family this weekend, because we will be in Chicago doing fun Jane Austen things and seeing family!
I could not love this “from the vault” more. If you would like to see a photo that I took atop Cadillac Mountain that trip, please text me and I will be happy to share it! I have a big version of the photo hanging in my office alcove. Reminder: Sir is Dad; Max is the youngest, obviously).
I was excited to see that my family motto of “everything tastes better after a hike” had its genesis here—I write here “everything tastes better after you’ve been active,” but our eventual motto is much better. I still remember how good food tasted on that trip. Do you?
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
“You have a very lively family” (July 2007)
This was the “fortune” from a fortune cookie from China Joy, probably our favorite food location in Bar Harbor, Maine, on last week’s vacation. Both Sir and I laughed and laughed when that fortune was opened; it is so true and so wonderful to have a lively crew.
Both Sir and I, and also the kids as they have been talking with their friends in the few days since we were back, have commented again and again about all the great memories we can take away from our vacation.
Traveling with kids can be very…lively. Atop Cadillac Mountain for a ranger program, little Max was extremely busy, so one or the other of us was scrambling over rocks to help him. Our excellent ranger, Anne, at one point was making a point about being environmentally conscious, and she asked, “What are things you can all do in your towns to help the environment?” One older man grumped, “Have fewer children.”
Anne frowned but didn’t know how to respond. Normally supergentle Sir turned slightly to the man and said in his mean voice (the one that frightens both children and adults), “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.” Then I said, less helpfully, I think, “No, have more children so they can grow up and help the environment.” Max was happily climbing over one of our heads at that moment.
We were happy to be on the East coast again, where we were only mistaken for our children’s grandparents once (and Bar Harbour is a small town) instead of the regular occurrences back in our little town. It seems like a little thing, and we do laugh about it, but it can be wearying to have to say, so frequently, and always with a smile, “no, these are our children.” I don’t think we really look that old! It was great to be in the flagship LLBean store in Freeport, ME, and have a dad who looked older than Sir chasing around his 5-year-old. And he WAS the dad!!
At a gas station one day, Sir comments on a beauty of a gorgeous convertible next to us, driven by a man about his age. I said, as we climbed back into our rented SUV fresh from a child’s carsickness, “Do you wish you were driving in that car instead of all of us?” And he said, “You know what I was thinking when I saw him? Poor old guy.”
Food tasted so good on this trip, I think because we were trying some new things, and also as we have made a minor family saying, “Everything tastes better after you’ve been active.” So the great things we ate after a long hike tasted better than they might otherwise have.
We enjoyed ice cream from a traditional place and also a not quite traditional place called Mt. Dessert Ice Cream. Sir loved trying mango sorbet, and ginger ice cream, etc. I was happy to stick with cookies and cream. We all agreed the chocolate chip cookies from a deli just a few blocks from our hotel were tremendous, some of the best I’ve ever had.
I am the kind of person to always want to plan, plan, plan, especially for any kind of trip; when I’ve tried to explain this to my somewhat non-planning-for-trips husband, I say that way, we can enjoy it before, during and after. I was a little concerned before we left, and a couple of times on it, that I had built it up a little too much (to me and everyone else), and it might not live up to those expectations.
But it was a super fun time, better than expected, and trying to be conscious of enjoying ourselves and our time—to live in the moment of enjoying what we were doing. That is so hard for me to do on an everyday basis. I’ve got too many “to dos” and “should haves” and “don’t forgets” running around in my head. I hope this time away helps me to live more in the present!
This is a very long but very fruitful and respectful discussion. Bonus: both professors quote Foucault, a philosopher G is having to study a lot recently.
A friend connected me with this podcast, and I happened upon this episode. Who knew Ascension had such generous and family-friendly leave policies? It’s really impressive. The podcast takes a deep dive into Ascension’s work culture. (Ascension Press produces Bible In a Year, a great resource, as well as the prayer study Dad did recently with a group at church and found … less than great, let’s just say).
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
I am enormously grateful for journalist Charlotte Cowles, who share her story in New York Magazine recently of being scammed out of $50,000. It’s a gripping and well-told story:
“All too often, people have shame about being a victim, and so they don’t want to come forward with their story. I remember thinking back in 2010 how great it was that Mr. Krumholz did come forward. I didn’t think less of him for coming forward—I thought more of him for telling the truth and alerting others. And I told him so at church!”
I’m quite sure that she went through a lot to get to the point where she could share her story. I’m so glad that she did, because it was not only brave, but instructive to everyone else.
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Charlotte Cowles does not read The Mom Weekly since she’s not a relative or friend (though anyone is welcome to sign up—see form below, smiley face emoji), but I would tell her: You are a brave person and a terrific writer. I’m proud of you. You can and should be proud of yourself. I sincerely hope your parents and your family members are very proud of you for this. Well done, and Thank You.
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Doubtless there are trolls online saying, “she’s so stupid” or “how could you fall for that,” but, to be diplomatic about it, those trolls are idiots. It should be obvious by now, anyone can be scammed, even personal finance writers, even the smartest person you know.
At the same time, we can all learn strategies to avoid fraudsters. As I wrote last time, I think involving trusted people in our financial lives can go a long way towards preventing problems.
Let’s talk about some takeaways from Cowles’ story:
*any number can be “spoofed.”
Cowles’ whole story begins when she picks up a call that appears to be coming from “Amazon.” Later, the scammer calls her back from the FTC phone number she finds online, telling her “It’s a government number. It cannot be spoofed.” (Wrong, of course). Any number can be spoofed.
*successful scams are more common than you think.
From Cowles’ article:
“When I did tell friends what had happened, it seemed like everyone had a horror story. One friend’s dad, a criminal-defense attorney, had been scammed out of $1.2 million. Another person I know, a real-estate developer, was duped into wiring $450,000 to someone posing as one of his contractors. Someone else knew a Wall Street executive who had been conned into draining her 401(k) by some guy she met at a bar.”
*scammers work to isolate their victims, and wear them down through sophisticated tactics.
Frank Abagnale, the reformed scammer whose early life is depicted in the movie Catch Me If You Can calls it putting victims “under the ether.”
He details this in his excellent 2019 book, Scam Me If You Can, and all the psychological tricks that criminals use to get people to trust them, or feel a sense of urgency.
This describes much of what Cowles was put through, from isolating her to. Cowles’ brother tells her that she basically experienced a “coerced confession.”
When Cowles investigates this theory more, a criminal justice professor tells her:
“If someone is trying to get you to be compliant, they do it incrementally, in a series of small steps that take you farther and farther from what you know to be true,” he said. “It’s not about breaking the will. They were altering the sense of reality.” And when you haven’t done anything wrong, the risk of cooperating feels minimal, he added. An innocent person thinks everything will get sorted out. It also mattered that I was kept on the phone for so long. People start to break down cognitively after a few hours of interrogation. “At that point, they’re not thinking straight. They feel the need to put an end to the situation at all costs.”
I implore you, please take the time to read her entire article. It is well, well worth it. If you find yourself thinking as you read, “I would never fall for that,” you’re correct—because you’re reading her account of it and you would not fall for that exact scam.
But there will be new ones, and the explosion of AI tools will spawn countless more. That’s why it is vital to arm yourself with knowledge, and make some decisions ahead of time about interacting with emails and phone calls.
Some advice from Mom:
*don’t answer incoming calls, and don’t click on links in emails.
I say this as someone who just answered a call purportedly from a health care provider , but you know what I mean. That goes for clicking on links in emails, even ones that look legitimate. You can call “Amazon” or “PNC” back to their number, and get a person on the phone that way. If you receive an email about something from “Amazon,” sketchy or not, it takes just a few seconds more time to log into the account on your own and check it out.
*if someone is keeping you on the phone for a long time, you can hang up.
You don’t even have to tell them you are going to do so.
Then, take a walk around the block, and talk to someone about whatever it is.
I remember years ago being on the phone with our cell phone provider for what seemed like ages updating someone’s phone. So when I read about how people “break down cognitively after a few hours” I thought, that’s true! I remember feeling so worn down, like, “just give me our new phone, and you can have whatever you want.” It wasn’t even a scam call.
*if someone tries to isolate you, it’s a red flag.
This is true no matter the context, but this week, let’s keep this on the topic of someone trying to scam you out of money.
For Cowles, the scammers led her to believe that both someone in her circle could be part of the criminals stealing her identity. And that the criminals could read all of her emails and text messages, so she should trust the “professional” on the phone with her.
Of course, there is always the chance that a deadbeat person close to you might be involved in scamming you, but not everyone around you. This is why having a wide range of people you talk to about money is important.
A quote from this great book, which echoes my message:
“I believe we have to get back to forming strong communities where people know and look out for one another. A lot of fraud happens in isolation and online. If we look up from our electronic devices and limit our online time to specific tasks and goals, we will vie less prone to scammers online. We’ll also feel happier and less isolated.”
It seems like every year, mid-Lent, I think, “I should have given up complaining for Lent.” It’s hard to do so! Related: if I can give you one good thing (and there are many!) about getting older; I feel I have less to complain about.
An Action Item: Work on or Complete Your Taxes
If you haven’t already begun your taxes, try to give a go this week. You kids have relatively straightforward taxes, and it shouldn’t take very long to complete them. But I know the resistance can be strong, so how about, this week, you just try one small task? Plan to gather your documents. Here are some things to locate:
*W-2s from your employer (internships included)
*1099s from your banks/brokerages from interest on savings accounts, other income sources from stock sales, etc.
Incidentally, I was pleasantly surprised at how much interest we earned this year on our high-interest savings accounts. You may be, too! But you have to pay taxes on it.
That brings up another note: if you do have a windfall of some kind, and can’t figure out exactly what to do with it, stashing it in a high-yield savings account (such as ones offered by Discover, and some other online banks) is always a good idea. It will be earning a good amount of interest while you consider next steps.
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
