The Mom Weekly Volume 61: October 8, 2024
You can read this, or any other previous Mom Weeklies, by going to the website here.
Notes
I found this golden “from the vault” awhile back, and when I was queuing up the birthday one from last week, I found it again, and it actually made me tear up more than a little bit. I had not remembered this at all (unlike the French-fry stealing anecdote, which is family lore). But what a terrific, and completely ON BRAND exchange between myself and one of my children.
We can consider it an extra birthday treat for the birthday girl, and her Mommy.
I also had no memory of reading the book I reference here, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys . I’ve requested it again from the library, and I will let you know if it holds up.
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
From the Department of… (October 2007)
. . . giving your children space and safety to express their emotions.
I don’t think I have a problem with this, which is a relief because I sometimes feel such a failure in so many areas of the relationship/parenting thing. This happened several weeks ago but I have not had the chance to write it down.
I have been reading Raising Cain, and am particularly struck by the notion of letting boys (and girls!) have an internal life, and helping them to recognize and identify their own feelings.
For the last several weeks, Homegirl has been very, very interested in (that would be obsessed) with rhyming words. She blurted out as she was climbing into bed last night, “cold, fold, mold,” to which I replied, “sold, bold, old.” (Note to self—take the opportunity to teach writing poetry and writing rhyming couplets).
The wrinkle here is she believes words only rhyme when they are spelled the same at the end. For instance, rhyme and time would not rhyme, in her theory. She’ll get into big arguments with Mom about this, and I confess I have not handled them all with the grace and patience needed.
When it started, I was trying in my-not-most -patient way, to explain to her SYNONYMS — that words can be spelled differently and sound exactly alike, (sale, sail, wail, whale), thus proving that rhyming words need not be spelled alike.
That day, I happened to be writing our weekly schedule of events on the dry erase board in the kitchen. As I finished, I wrote down some of these words on the board so she could see, in FACT, that these words SOUND alike, but are not SPELLED alike. This was the tenor of my voice, too (i.e., ALL CAPS RAISED VOICE).
I think I wrote down a few words, and also of words that rhyme but are not spelled similarly. (doll, wall). In her tenacious way, she was having none of it and I left the area to put some things in the dishwasher and just get some space because it was so exasperating.
She wrote carefully on the dry erase board, “Mom, I hate you sometimes.” I saw it and left it there, not commenting. What was there to say? We talked about other things; I think I helped her get a snack. After awhile, she erased the message and kissed me, saying, “I love you, Mom,” and skipped off to the next thing. I love you, too, dear one, more than you can know.
Interesting/Notable
This book changed my love life–Ali Abdaal
I really enjoyed watching this video! It’s all about having realistic ideas in relationships, and thoughts on the beginning stages of dating. I have not read the book he references, and it is not available from the library. I noticed he did this video back in 2021, and he was married earlier this year. Coincidence? 🙂
Masters of Love (The Atlantic)
This is a 10-year-old article that popped up on my Atlantic app. It holds up! Read it to understand the action item below.
An Action Item: Look for (and respond to!) “Bids” for Attention from Loved Ones
If you read The Atlantic article above, you’ll see that the Gottmans promote the idea of responding to “bids for attention.” Here’s a quote from the article
“Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: He’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
“People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
So, your action item is to respond—positively, naturally!—to bids for attention from loved ones in your life. For instance, your Mom might text you, and you could text her back! LOL.
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).