The Mom Weekly Volume 33: March 12, 2024
Practice Being Mean (or: Remember that “No” Is a Complete Sentence)
I don’t mean being “mean” in the sense of being rude, but we would all benefit from having good healthy “no” muscles. Let me explain.
Years ago, I read about the idea of having a “policy” about certain things, so that you can avoid having to make a decision “on the fly,” and can also make it easier for you to say no. I have found this to be a really great life practice, for lots of reasons.
“I don’t fill out surveys.”
Here’s just one example: I instituted a policy of “I don’t fill out surveys.”
Many times, after a purchase; a health care appointment; a restaurant visit, etc., I get emails, texts, and snail mail, or some combination, asking me to rate my service.
In the past, I have sometimes done them, sometimes not, but it’s always been “hanging over me” as I see the letter or email there asking. So now I have a policy of not doing surveys. I delete the emails and texts with impunity. I throw away the survey mail.
Obviously, I can make exceptions to the policy. If I have a truly great or really terrible experience, I can convey that through a survey. But most often, I could convey that more effectively by reaching out to a manager or other supervisor. This is especially true in the sense of a great experience—I’d like to tell the manager of a restaurant as I’m leaving that the waitstaff was especially great.
“I don’t donate to grocery-store-type fundraisers or petition drives.”
Here’s another example: I virtually never donate to fundraising in non-fundraising situations, and I almost never sign petitions when asked randomly for it.
The grocery checkout is a great example of this. Do you want to “round up” your order to support charity? No.
If a person offers me the opportunity to donate to a cause or to sign a petition (as happened to me at REI and on the street the other day, respectively), I decline with a pleasant “No, thank you!”
For charity donations, I say, “We prefer to give privately.” But there’s really no need for that. I should probably take my own advice practice “no” or “no, thank you” as a complete sentence.
And you know what? It’s a little uncomfortable—still—even though I’ve had this official “policy” for a number of years. It seems socially “good” to say yes to someone asking you for something, especially when it has very little “cost” to you. To be able to sit with that discomfort and be okay (as you will be) is very empowering.
There are two important reasons for doing this:
The less important reason: intentionality.
If you really wanted to donate to a cause that you’re being asked to in the grocery line, you really should do so intentionally, and probably giving more than a dollar or change.
So, for instance, just the other day HyVee checkout asked to round up for the local food bank. But I know that Midwest Food Bank is a really well run organization, and Sophia’s Kitchen has been a great community organization. I may or may not know the charity at the checkout.
And regarding a petition” If you really want to sign it, you can research whether it’s a good idea, and sign it online later. Nothing will be lost. This is not your only chance to do the “good thing” that someone is asking you to do.
The MUCH MORE IMPORTANT REASON: a chance to practice “no” and sit with that discomfort.
People who are kind people—like all of the readers of The Mom Weekly—need more practice in this than most. That’s because we want to be kind. We want to make people happy, especially if it’s something that seems (and perhaps is) socially good, like rounding up our change.
But you can still be kind, and say “no.” By doing so, you work out those “saying no” muscles when it’s low stakes. Then, you may be more equipped to say “no” when you’re in a trickier or “higher stakes” situation.
The opposite is also true, but less important, in my opinion. You can have a policy of saying “yes.” So, like me, you can often support GoFundMe or other fundraisers for people you know personally, or that are vetted by someone you know personally. You can have a policy of being a “big tipper” in certain situations or at certain times of year.
Do you have a “policy” regarding anything that happens often in your life? Give it a try!
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
Interesting/notable:
The Prophets: Marshall McLuhan—The Free Press
I love this new series. Marshall McLuhan originated the saying “The medium is the message” and “global village.”
Sisters of the Little Way
A new Catholic community of sisters is formed to “a mission of listening, healing outreach, spiritual reparation, and solidarity with people who are despairing, doubting, and hopeless, people on the fringes or outside of the Church, especially those people who have been wounded, scandalized, or abused by members of the Church.”
An Action Item: Develop and Implement One New “Saying No” Policy
I think this is a great “action item”—think about one thing that you can easily say no to, that will help you practice saying “no.” Bonus points if you share your intention with a family member or friend!
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four Fs to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).
Of course, this exercise is moot for the girls in the family this weekend, because we will be in Chicago doing fun Jane Austen things and seeing family!