The Mom Weekly Volume 38: April 23, 2024
Notes:
I had a completely different, kind of silly, reflection all ready to go, but I’ve had a challenging recent time accompanying a friend going through difficulties. I’ve had several talks with Dad to process, but I still have a lot of thoughts swirling around and what lessons to share from this.
Since a lot of them relate to boundaries, I did want to share something; along the lines of my recent “Practice Being Mean, or “No” is a Complete Sentence”).
Then I remembered that I reviewed a book for The Catholic Post a year or so ago; a book that I found very helpful in understanding boundaries. I’m going to reprint my review below, because it does explain why boundaries are so important.
And here’s the thing that is standing out to me right now: putting healthy boundaries in place can be hard enough, but is even more complicated by being hurt from a lack of boundaries over time. That’s why being intentional about boundaries is a good practice all through life.
So I’m repeating myself here: pick something (or things) to practice saying “no” about. It’s good for you, it’s good for future you, and it’s good for all you have relationships with.
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
Good Boundaries
Most people understand that health is a lifelong practice on a physical level—you don’t “get healthy” once and then abandon the healthy habits that led to it, such as as eating well, getting adequate sleep, exercise, and reducing stress. Our bodies, our lives, are gifts from God, and as disciples, we are called to take care of them.
We can always be learning new things about health. But two things are key to remember:
—Just reading about healthy habits doesn’t make you healthy. You have to put them into practice.
—There are great, good, and bad (or at minimum, less than helpful) sources of advice. We are each responsible for sifting what is good from what is bad involves discernment.
These principles are just as true — even more so — for our mental health. And an important mental health habit is having good boundaries—healthy limits on our relationships, ourselves, and on our interactions with others.
A boundary can be as simple as saying no to a volunteer commitment (often something good!) to prevent burnout or overextending yourself. It can also be as complicated as putting limits on time spent with a coworker or friend who refuses to or ignores clearly articulated requests.
“Boundaries” are often misunderstood (and misused), especially in our current time of mental health gurus with questionable authority. A new book, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes: Loving Others Without Losing the Best of Who You Are by Christian author Lysa TerKeurst, explores the concept of boundaries from a Christian and mental health perspective.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes persuasively makes the case that learning to be healthier about boundaries is good not just for our emotional wellbeing, but honoring to God and neighbor.
But that doesn’t make boundaries easy! Far from it. And Terkeurst writes from experience.
She went through a painful divorce after years of her spouse’s addiction issues. Processing her grief during and after helped her realize she lacked healthy boundaries not just in marriage, but in friendships and other relationships.
Good Boundaries and Goodbyes explores what boundaries are, how to understand them, and how to implement them in various situations.
While Terkeurst is not Catholic, nothing in the book is contrary to Catholic teaching. And I appreciated her faith-based perspective, her emphasis on Scripture verses throughout, and her exploration through Scripture of the ways God enacts boundaries with humans as a way to protect and preserve relationships.
“I know part of what makes this complicated is that usually by the time we realize we need boundaries, we are carrying hurt,” Terkeurst writes. “Boundaries aren’t meant to be weaponized. They are meant to be used to prioritize keeping relationships safe.”
Several features makes Good Boundaries and Goodbyes stand out: a section at the end of each chapter called “Let’s Live This,” with Scripture verses to ponder, key quotes to remember, questions for personal reflection, and prayers.
The book also includes multiple sidebars of careful explanation of topics from TerKeurst’s Christian therapist, Jim Cress.
Especially useful is a section at the end of the book containing Q&A style explanations and sample “scripts” in refuting objections to boundaries and the Scriptural and psychological principles that undergirds them.
I’ve written often about how caring for our mental health is vital in living out a full, abundant life. Simply being Catholic or practicing our faith does not guarantee the absence of mental health struggles. We need to educate ourselves and do the hard work of putting what we learn into practice. Good Boundaries and Goodbyes makes that work a little easier.
Interesting/Notable:
The Prophets: Octavia Butler
I really enjoy this series from The Free Press. (I think I shared the one about Marshall McLuhan awhile back.
This entry was written by Tiya Miles, author of All That She Carried. It’s one of G’s favorite books this year. (She’s also an Octavia Butler fan from her sci-fi classes).
A Chess Formula is Taking Over the World — The Atlantic
I know through J3 that chess ratings are a thing, and an important thing. But I didn’t realize what it was all about until I read this article.
An action item: Practice setting an easy (but not too easy!) boundary
I am making this an action item because I really, really want each of us to practice setting boundaries, starting small, but being very intentional about it.
This week, think ahead and try to set a boundary, and practicing it. It can be as simple as declining requests for donations at the checkout (something seen more and more these days). Bonus points if you have to say “no” to an actual person, rather than at self-checkout. I’m trying to think of other ones that would be easy but still a little uncomfortable, but I’m having trouble with this one.
Let me know if you think of any others!
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).