The Mom Weekly Volume 58: September 17, 2024
You can read this, or any other previous Mom Weeklies, by going to the website here.
“For a long time my place at meditation was near a Sister who fidgeted continually, either with her Rosary, or something else; possibly, as I am very quick of hearing, I alone heard her, but I cannot tell you how much it tried me. I should have liked to turn round, and by looking at the offender, make her stop the noise; but in my heart I knew that I ought to bear it tranquilly, both for the love of God and to avoid giving pain. So I kept quiet, but the effort cost me so much that sometimes I was bathed in perspiration, and my meditation consisted merely in suffering with patience. After a time I tried to endure it in peace and joy, at least deep down in my soul, and I strove to take actual pleasure in the disagreeable little noise.”
St. Therese, Story of a Soul
I immediately thought of this vignette from St. Therese’s Story of a Soul for reasons I will explain in a minute, but let’s start by getting a few things clear:
- 1. you don’t have to connect with every saint’s “brand” of holiness. That’s why there are so many different kinds of saints, and (truly) thank God for that! Sometimes I read about a saint and think “not me” and other times (like when I read in St. Gianna Molla’s letters how she honestly shared disagreements with her husband and in-laws, for instance) I think “okay, maybe it’s not hopeless for me.”
- 2. the appeal of St. Therese’s spirituality was her “Little Way.” Instead of heroic deeds or glorious martyrdoms, we can be holy in the tiniest of ways. It might be putting up patiently with someone’s foibles (like a Mom who is always trying to get you to eat more protein, haha). Or it is in giving up small things, for a short time, like sugar in your tea, or candy for a day, or for Lent, or color on your phone for an hour or two. But what you “offer up” is up to you. It also doesn’t mean putting up with something that makes you irritable indefinitely with those closest to you.
So now let’s get to why I remembered this vignette:
I read this article from The Pillar about a seminary having “process groups.”
The entire (long) article is so worth reading, but basically: St. Paul Seminary in Minnesota believes in fostering “human flourishing” in the seminarians, and wants to give them the tools to attend to their mental health, friendships, and life balance.
A way St. Paul’s is doing is this is through “process groups” — a group of eight or so seminarians, plus a facilitator (usually a psychologist) — to help the men discuss issues in a productive way.
One issue a process group worked through was, essentially, the St. Therese story all over again, but with a different outcome. I’m going to include this rather long excerpt because I think it’s the easiest way to start. A seminarian, Paul Renier, is recounting this:
One day during the process group, when Ruff asked if anyone had anything to share, a seminarian raised his hand, and said, “Paul, I just can’t stand Andy clearing his throat in the chapel every single morning. It really gets to me, it’s so agitating.”
“As funny as that sounded to perhaps hear or talk about, it was actually really hard for me to receive,” Renier acknowledged. “I just felt so misunderstood and very angry actually.”
“I’m just in this internal monologue, I was saying to myself, he didn’t even bother to ask me why I do that or is there a reason I do that…he asked that so pointedly.”
Ruff asked the seminarian to address Renier directly, and to give him a chance to receive the criticism, and to respond.
“I got a chance to explain what happened and why I do that, and I’ve actually left the chapel, I told them, a few times, to go clear my throat in a quiet room away from everybody praying, so I won’t be as much of a distraction,” Renier said.
The discussion did not fix the problem – Renier still experienced a need to clear his throat in the mornings, and hearing him do so was still something the other seminarian found irritating.
But what changed was their ability to share – and receive – this experience from another person.
“It’s not like we figured out a solution and now everything is fine,” he said. “It’s just the way that you’re communicating, and…seeing each other, understanding each other.”
“It was just this encounter of conflict, really, that I didn’t know this about myself, that it was bothering other people, and I came to know that. But also, there was understanding on his part, so we actually grew closer together, him and I.”
So reading this excerpt, you may think, “Well, who’s right? St. Therese — a Doctor of the Church—or leaders in a seminary in Minnesota?”
But this is a false choice. Both can be be right.
Sometimes we have to put up with an irritation, either temporarily or indefinitely. Not everything can’t be “talked through.” Situations we might mourn or deplore may not be “fixable” and must be endured. If they can be endured well, and (yes, I’m going to use that oft-maligned expression), offering it up, they can actually be spiritually fruitful.
But it is okay, and even commendable, to work on situations that may be fixable. It is laudable to talk through some issues that could have resolution are worth talking through and hashing out. And it can bring people closer together!
I’m not saying that St. Therese and her fellow Carmelites should have had process groups, but maybe I am?
If they had, and worked through that issue, the unnamed noisy sister and St. Therese could have become closer spiritually and emotionally. And if not, St. Therese could have continued to offer up the irritation as her “little way,” as we all can do with the minor irritations in our lives.
Also, somewhat related: we don’t have to take scientific or psychological or parenting or any other advice from saints from the recent or distant past. We study St. Thomas Aquinas in philosophy, and read St. Francis de Sales for spiritual edification, not for scientific knowledge, because both got some things wrong in science, because of the times they lived in. It’s the same for St. Therese.
I still love St. Therese, she who is Doctor of the Church, Little Flower; and I love her Little Way. And I also love people in the Church who are working to promote human flourishing through the knowledge and tools we now have.
If this hasn’t convinced you yet, please, I implore you, read the entire article, because it is truly wonderful. And wouldn’t it be great if kids going to college had this kind of group? Or engaged or newly married couples? I realize it would be hard to make work in a setting that isn’t a seminary where there a distinct group is sharing life together for an extended period, but it would be worth it.
Remember how much I love you,
Mom
Interesting/Notable:
8 US Libraries to Visit
How to Reach Out to Someone You Admire
I enjoy Laura Vanderkam so much, and interesting, Long ago, I did reach out to her (and gotten a reply!). I think it’s really helpful in life and work.
An Action Item: Reach Out to Someone You Admire (or Would Like to Connect With)
Per the above article, consider sending a note or in any way reaching out to someone you’d like to connect with. Maybe it is someone a few steps ahead of you at work? A friend you haven’t connected with in a long time? A person on social media you think is doing good in the world?
What are you doing this weekend?
So, now that it’s Tuesday, what are you planning for the weekend? I’m going to suggest trying to cover four “F”s to get ideas flowing:
*faith—when are you going to Mass?
*friends—what friends will you see or connect with?
*food—any fun recipes you plan to try, or restaurants you plan to visit?
*fun—anything interesting you are going to play, watch, or do this weekend? Now’s the time to think it through, and put it on the calendar (even informally).